João Lucas

"Mom"...a simple little word that holds so much significance.  I may not have the honor of "officially" having this title, but for the past 16 months, I have had the privilege of experiencing what it means.  On May 26, 2014 my life changed with the arrival of little João Lucas, a 2 and half month old baby boy who was suddenly part of our world.  Since that day, I've given him countless bottles, baths, and diaper changes.  I've spent many nights waking up with him for 2 am feedings and then when he cried at 3 and then 4 and then 5.  I rejoiced when he began sleeping through the night at 5 months and then lamented the sleepless nights that teething brought.  I've watched him learn to roll over, sit up, finally began to crawl, and delighted when he took his first steps.  I've worried about fevers and runny noses and whether or not he is eating enough.  I have loved him, cared for him, cried over him, laughed with him, and prayed over him. 

But, two weeks ago, that all changed when we received the call that we knew could come, but never actually believed would happen…..João Lucas was leaving, being adopted and going to live with his forever family less than 48 hours later.  There is no way one can prepare for the departure of a little one that is so loved and there are no words to describe how difficult these last two weeks have been.  Never has my heart known such pain, never have my arms felt such an ache to hold my little boy again, and my tears seemed as though they would never stop flowing.  In the past two weeks, I have bounced back and forth between all of the “five stages of grief” and felt that my emotions would never stabilize. 

Yet, God’s mercies are new every morning and His grace and strength sustained us through the difficulties of those first few days where everything we saw reminded us of our João Lucas, through packing up his belongings, putting away his things, and the pain of seeing his empty crib every time we pass his room.

And by God’s grace, we are moving forward, adapting to our new normal.  Some moments are harder than others, but for the most part, we are okay.  I was sharing with one of the workers here that even now, knowing how much heartache we have faced in the absence of our little one, I would gladly do it all over again.  The 16 months that I had the privilege of caring for and loving João Lucas were some of the most exhausting, challenging, yet over-abundantly blessed times of my life.  I will always be grateful for the honor it was to be João Lucas’ “mom” and will forever cherish the time I had to love on and care for our precious little guy.   

My first and last day with my baby....