Mother's Day

Today I received my first mother’s day card.  (Just to set the record straight, no, I have not had any biological children since I’ve been gone.)  Words can’t sufficiently express what my heart felt when Wagner and Antonio gave me the mother’s day cards they made for me or when the other boys ran over to say “Feliz Dia Das Mães!” and covered me with hugs and kisses as I came out of our house this morning. 

Today was not the first time though that I have been called “mom.”  While there have been numerous occasions where I have been referred to as “mom,” I vividly remember the first time this word that has so much significance was used by one of the boys here in relation to me.  I was helping Alifer with his homework and as he was working and we were talking together, he looked up to tell me something and called me “mãe.”  He realized what he said and quickly uttered “tia” which means “aunt” and is what most of the boys call the women who work here.  But when this sweet little six year old with big brown eyes looked at me and called me “mom,” my heart became a little more attached and a little more convinced of my purpose here. 

Soon after coming to Brasil, I knew it wasn’t a matter of if I would return but more a question of when and for how long.  That being said, I have been praying about the when and the how long and seeking God’s will for my future.  I believe that God has been revealing His plan to me for some time now, but I have been unwilling to completely surrender and this past week I was faced with the ultimate test.  Before I explain, let me share with you a quote from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest: 

 

“Paul was determined that nothing would stop him from doing exactly what God wanted.  But before we choose to follow God’s will, a crisis must develop in our lives.  This happens because we tend to be unresponsive to God’s gentler nudges.  He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate.  He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide- for or against.  That moment becomes a great crossroads in our lives.  If a crisis has come to you on any front, surrender your will to Jesus absolutely and irrevocably.”

During my time so far in Brasil, I believe that God has been gently nudging me towards returning and as Chambers describes, I have begun to debate where He is leading me.  Meaning, in my mind, I’ve been thinking about doing a 6 months here, 6 months back in the States for the next couple of years, justifying this rationale with the fact that I already have my tourist visa and it’s good for the next ten years so I might as well just use it.  However, I know that this option so appeals to me because then I can have the best of both worlds, I can live this life I love so much in Brasil and yet still see my family and enjoy the comforts of home for half a year.  I know that this plan would be my choosing and not God’s desire for me.  And just like Chambers states, “He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide- for or against.”  This past week, God provided this crossroads, this crisis where a decision had to be made.  On Tuesday, I received an email from one of the teachers that I used to work with.  She shared with me that the teacher who took over my position is moving up to 7^th grade next year which means that they will need a 6^th grade science teacher for this coming school year.  She then went on to say that they want me to come back and take over my former position.  Talk about a crisis….I love teaching, specifically I loved teaching 6^th grade science, but I especially loved the middle school where I worked at- the kids, my fellow teachers, everything about it.  So this was where I found myself this past week- faced with the ultimate test.  I could choose to go back to the life I loved…a secure, profitable job in a position I loved, a life close to my family and friends, a chance to have my summers off to enjoy going to Western Camp and Belize, the opportunity to see my nieces and nephews grow up and be their favorite aunt J, the comfort of a life I am familiar with, the list could go on and on.  And while none of these things are bad, in fact they are all very good and I know that if I choose this life, I could still glorify God and be used by Him, but while all of this is true, I am convinced that if I choose this life, I would not be following where I know God is leading me, I would not be fulfilling His plans for me and what He has called me to do.  And so I recognize this truth from Jeremiah 10:23, “I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps” and I am trying not to direct my steps but instead relinquish my will in complete surrender to where God is leading me.

Here’s My Life

Lyrics by BarlowGirl

Once again I said my goodbyes to those I love most

My heart feels that familiar pain as I long for home

‘Cause this road is hard when I feel so far

God I’m crying out tonight cause I’ve given You my life

But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind

So once more, here’s my life

On the day that You called my name

All that I knew changed

I found when I said “yes” that I would never be the same

Though the call is hard, You are worth it all

God I’m crying out tonight cause I’ve given You my life

But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind

So once more

Even when the tears are falling

When I find I fear the calling

You remind me

Words You’ve spoken over my life

Promises I’ve yet to see

You comfort me

God I’m crying out tonight cause I’ve given You my life

But I’m tired and I’m missing what’s behind

So once more, here’s my life

Here’s my life