João Lucas

"Mom"...a simple little word that holds so much significance.  I may not have the honor of "officially" having this title, but for the past 16 months, I have had the privilege of experiencing what it means.  On May 26, 2014 my life changed with the arrival of little João Lucas, a 2 and half month old baby boy who was suddenly part of our world.  Since that day, I've given him countless bottles, baths, and diaper changes.  I've spent many nights waking up with him for 2 am feedings and then when he cried at 3 and then 4 and then 5.  I rejoiced when he began sleeping through the night at 5 months and then lamented the sleepless nights that teething brought.  I've watched him learn to roll over, sit up, finally began to crawl, and delighted when he took his first steps.  I've worried about fevers and runny noses and whether or not he is eating enough.  I have loved him, cared for him, cried over him, laughed with him, and prayed over him. 

But, two weeks ago, that all changed when we received the call that we knew could come, but never actually believed would happen…..João Lucas was leaving, being adopted and going to live with his forever family less than 48 hours later.  There is no way one can prepare for the departure of a little one that is so loved and there are no words to describe how difficult these last two weeks have been.  Never has my heart known such pain, never have my arms felt such an ache to hold my little boy again, and my tears seemed as though they would never stop flowing.  In the past two weeks, I have bounced back and forth between all of the “five stages of grief” and felt that my emotions would never stabilize. 

Yet, God’s mercies are new every morning and His grace and strength sustained us through the difficulties of those first few days where everything we saw reminded us of our João Lucas, through packing up his belongings, putting away his things, and the pain of seeing his empty crib every time we pass his room.

And by God’s grace, we are moving forward, adapting to our new normal.  Some moments are harder than others, but for the most part, we are okay.  I was sharing with one of the workers here that even now, knowing how much heartache we have faced in the absence of our little one, I would gladly do it all over again.  The 16 months that I had the privilege of caring for and loving João Lucas were some of the most exhausting, challenging, yet over-abundantly blessed times of my life.  I will always be grateful for the honor it was to be João Lucas’ “mom” and will forever cherish the time I had to love on and care for our precious little guy.   

My first and last day with my baby....

A Disappointing Development

Today I write asking for your prayers.  Yesterday, there was a decision made that directly affects the lives of four of the brothers in our care.  Before I try to explain this discouraging development, let me first give you a little backstory.  As you may recall, last year at this time, we received three brothers, Diogo, Kauã, and Maycon, whose arrival turned my world upside-down and redefined “difficult” for me.  However, by the grace of God, after several weeks of consistent discipline, structure, and love, we saw immense improvements in their behaviors.  The transformation in their lives has been one of the greatest miracles I’ve been privileged to witness during my time here at the orphanage. 

A few months after the brothers' arrival, we found out that their mother was expecting yet again.  We were bewildered at this news as there were already seven siblings in this family, all of them living in orphanages because the mother and father were so involved with drugs that they had abandoned their children.  Why this woman would choose to bring another child into this world, one that she had no intention of caring for, raising up, loving on, was beyond reason.  We took in this news with disbelief, but knew it wouldn’t have too much of an effect on us as we were told the mother was expecting a girl who would be placed in the girl’s orphanage down the road after her birth. 

We found out in March that this mother did indeed give birth to her eighth child, a BOY, who was born two months premature.  When this happened, we were then under the assumption that he would come to live with us until an aunt decided to take him in.  However, on May 26, little two and half month old João Lucas was brought to the orphanage by a teary-eyed aunt who just couldn’t care for him along with her other children.  A baby changes everything and while those first few weeks were full of adjustments and challenges, this little guy quickly stole our hearts and it has been an absolute joy and blessing to love on and care for him these past few months. 

In our ministry, we try to be the hands and feet of Jesus to these boys, showing them His love while raising them in a family atmosphere.  But, we are not and cannot be a forever family for them.  Knowing this, we actively advocate their cases to the judge, which brings me to yesterday’s decision.  After weeks of preparing paperwork and necessary documents, the directors and social worker here at the orphanage met with the judge yesterday to discuss these boys’ case and decide how to move forward.  Since they are not orphans, but rather have been abandoned by their family, the judge has to decide to “destroy” the family, which legally means they can be placed for adoption.  Thankfully, the judge agreed to do this; however, the way in which he decided to process their paperwork and release them has many negative consequences.  Without getting into a lot of logistics and legal explanations that are hard to explain, it’s suffice to say that it is a disappointment indeed.  Basically, what it means for these boys is that they will be here for at least another year by the time the paperwork actually goes through and this timeframe doesn’t even include the time it will take once the actual adoption process starts.  Don’t get me wrong, the thought of being able to have these boys in our care for more time brings pure delight to my soul as I love the privilege of being their “house mom” especially the joys of caring for the baby.  However, I know that the more time they are “in the system” means the harder that it will be for them to get out. (As a prime example, one of our boys, Alisson, arrived at the age of 4 months old and was only supposed to be a “temporary placement” of a few months until they secured a home for him.  He is still here and he just turned 6 years old.)  Obviously, I am disappointed in the judge’s decision, and while I have not stopped believing that God is sovereign over this development, I am petitioning your prayers on behalf of these boys.  Please pray that the process will not take as long as expected, but will miraculously move forward.  Pray that God will be preparing and raising up the perfect forever families for these boys and pray for these boys for their transition and adaptation into a real family.  Pray for this extra time that we have been granted with them, that we will continue to pour His love into their hearts, training them in the Way they should go, and making the most of this time that they have been entrusted to our care.

When I look at the facts and what this decision could potentially mean for these brothers, it is hard not to be disheartened.  However, when I look into the truth of God’s word, I find peace and cling to verses like the following from Isaiah 49:15-16…"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." I know that the Lord has not forgotten these boys.  He is writing their stories in a way I might not understand, but I trust that He is orchestrating the events of their lives according to His perfect plan (Isaiah 55:8-9).  So we wait on Him, resting in His sovereignty, looking forward to witnessing the ways in which He will fulfil His purposes for these boys’ lives. 

From of old no one has heard

or perceived by the ear,

no eye has seen a God besides you,

who acts for those who wait for him.

-Isaiah 64:4

The Brothers :) 

A Year In Review...

So, it’s been awhile (talk about an understatement!).  I literally almost couldn’t believe it when I saw that my last post was written in JANUARY!  Not exactly sure how I’ve let so much time pass by, but please forgive me for my lack of keeping on top of this whole blogging thing.  I guess I feel like I write more than I apparently do considering that I write monthly for the national Nepo Newsletter, so perhaps I will start posting those updates as well to at least give some type of news to the few of you who actually still check this site.  J 

So how do I update you on the past 9 months now that it’s been that long?  I figured the best way would be to share with you a video that I made for a presentation I gave at my church when I was there in July.  This video shows some of the highlights from my first year here at Nepo (yes, it’s been over a year already, where has the time gone?!).  So, not only do you get an update on the past 9 months, but you get an extra 3 month bonus!  J  Take ten minutes out of your day to enjoy some scenes from daily life in Nepo and get a glimpse into the lives that are being affected by your prayers and support.  Click the link below and enjoy!   

Nepomuceno Boys Home: My First Year Recap

Two Years

Yesterday, we took the boys to a local waterfall for a day of swimming, snacking, and summer-time fun.  The boys enjoyed the sand and standing under the pounding waterfall reveling in the power of the water rushing over them, but they especially enjoyed climbing up the sheer, slippery rock wall next to the waterfall and jumping into the water below.  As I stood there watching them, I felt the urge to take the plunge as well.  After some coaxing and encouragement from them, I decided to go for it and struggled to climb up the steep, slick rock wall.  After slipping a few times, I made it to the top, looked down at the water below, and froze.  Fear gripped me as I stared at the water below and the unknown overwhelmed me….what if I jump wrong and hit a rock, what if it’s too deep and I can’t figure out a way back up (just for the record, I don’t know how to swim, so this was a valid fear J), but as the what if’s inundated my brain, I knew the only choice I had was to jump.  It was physically impossible to climb back down and so the only way was to take the plunge.  After several minutes of getting up my courage (okay, so in reality, it was probably more like a good half hour that I stood there shaking in fear J), a lot of cheers of support and countdowns from the boys, and a quick prayer, I stepped away from the wall and dove into the water below.  And it was AMAZING and I resurfaced and immediately went back to the wall to make the jump again and again and again J

As I was thinking back on the thrills of yesterday, I couldn’t help but think about the parallels between yesterday’s adventure and the journey that began two years ago today.  On January 23, 2012, I left my home, my family, my friends, everything I knew and loved to head for Brasil for the very first time.  Just like yesterday’s climb up the rock wall, preparing to leave for Nepo wasn’t without its struggles and slip-ups.  It wasn’t easy quitting my job, attempting to learn a foreign language, and preparing for a new and different culture.  Much like the way fear gripped me as I stared down at the water yesterday, as I pondered all of the unknowns that my adventure in Brasil would hold, there were times that it was overwhelming and my faith faltered.  However, as the day approached, I knew there was no turning back.  The ticket was purchased, the plans were made, the orphanage was waiting, there was no other choice but to board that plane and go where God was leading me.  So, two years ago today, after many months of preparing, a lot of support from family and friends, and much prayer, I stepped away from the only world I had known and “took the plunge” into life in Brasil.  And it was AMAZING and during my 6 month experience I knew God was calling me back and so here I am, 2 years later, having jumped in again into life here. 

This time around, I have committed for 2 years and I have no idea whether I’ll ever make this jump again and be back here or where God will lead me next, but this I do know:  For now, He has called me here and I know that these two years will be over before I know it.  So I am trying to make the moments count and cherish the memories.  Life here is so very different than it was when I was here two years ago, so many things have changed and there have been so many challenges over the last 5 months since I have arrived.  However, in the hardships, I have been blessed.  I have seen first-hand the miraculous transformation that has taken place in Kaua’s and Mayon’s lives as they have gone from rebellious, swearing, used to living on the streets, destructive, angry children to happy, healthy, respectful, fun-loving, easy-going kids that bring so much joy to my day.  I can testify time and time again to how God has answered our prayers in ways that we didn’t even think possible.  Yes, the days are long and the work is tiring, but God is good.  I don’t know what the rest of my two years here will hold, but I’m trusting in the One who does and reveling in His goodness to me from the joys of jumping off waterfalls to the wonderful ways He is working in the boys’ lives here. 

Blessed is the man

who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare.

“I desire to do your will, O my God;

your law is within my heart."

Psalm 40:4-5, 8

The Little Things

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

I’ve always loved this quote from one of my favorite books, the classic Anne of Green Gables, because I truly relish the month of October with the beauty of the changing leaves and the anticipation of the first snow fall (which normally takes place in Northwest PA during the month of October J ).  However this year, the world I now live in held a very different October for me, one full of birds singing and flowers beginning to bud on the trees.  Yes, spring is in the air here and the heat of the summer season that will soon be upon us has already begun to be felt.  As I reflect back on this month and all of the changes it has brought, I am truly glad for this October as different as it has been.  As I mentioned in my last post, life has been difficult recently, but among all of the challenges, I’ve been seeing the goodness of God in the little things. 

Through different conversations, “coincidences”, and cards, I’ve been blessed with how God truly shows His love through the little things.  Today I’d like to share with you a few of these that have really reminded me that God is not just the God of the “big” things, but He is sovereign over ALL things and I’ve been learning to look for reminders of His love in the little things. 

One of the first examples I’d like to share with you is a conversation that took place in a convenience store in town.  We had picked up the boys from school and Maycon had received a 10 cent piece from his teacher, so we stopped at the store so he could buy a piece of candy.  I went into the little street shop with him and the man who helped us looked at me and said, “You’re not from around here, are you.” I told him that I was from the States and was helping at the orphanage.  He replied that he thought so and then went on to ask me if I remembered Willian (he was one of the toddlers that was at the orphanage last year, but was adopted soon after I arrived).  I replied that I did indeed remember him and the man went on to tell me that it was he and his wife that had adopted Willian.  The man continued on to say that Willian is doing well and has brought so much happiness to their family.  As I walked back to the bus with Maycon and reflected on the exchange, I found myself smiling at the fact that I had successfully made small talk with a complete stranger in Portuguese, but more importantly I found joy in the reminder that the conversation provided that God has a plan and a future for each of these boys (even if it’s hard to see it in the day-to-day) and that Lord-willing, that might include a “forever family” for them.

Another reminder to me of God’s goodness was seen in a “coincidence” that happened last week.  On my day off, I had made an afternoon trip into town and was sitting at the post office waiting to mail some letters.  As I sat there, I was debating whether or not to just put my letters in the box out front (they already had the stamps on them) or to wait to give them to the clerk (which is normally what I do).  The line was particularly long that day and seeing as it had been over a month and a half since I had been to town to do errands and I still had several places to go, I was about to leave, but felt prompted to stay and wait.  Well, five minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I was obviously a bit surprised and unsure of who I would find when I turned around considering I wasn’t back home at my local post office where it wouldn’t be odd to run into someone I knew, but here in Brasil, who could possibly be tapping me on the shoulder at the post office here?!  I tentatively turned around and much to my relief, I saw Gerson standing there (the director of the orphanage).  After saying hello to each other, he then proceeded to show me how to retrieve the mail from our post office box and told me where the key is kept at the home, but more importantly than that, when he retrieved the mail there happened to be a package notification for me in the mailbox.  As I left the post office that day, package and my letters in hand, I found myself so thankful that I had stayed and truly believe it was not by chance that we happened to both be there at the same time.  You see, not only was the care package I received a bit larger, but I also had to pay a significant amount of money to pick it up (gotta love Brasilian taxes and fees).  Had I not been there and Gerson had to have been the one to pick up the package, he probably would not have had the money (nor would have wanted to pay as much as it was) and it could have potentially made for some misunderstandings as far as cultural sensitivities go.  It’s hard to explain, but just trust me on this one, I definitely didn’t see it as a coincidence that I was there when he received notification of the box and I was certainly thankful for God’s provision in allowing this encounter to take place.  Not to mention the actual box, which was full of a bunch of things that reminded me of home and was a physical reminder of God’s blessings J

Finally, I’d like to share a very dear example to me of how God truly shows His goodness in the littlest things and that often they can mean the most.  A few weeks ago, I had some inquiries from two friends about if I needed anything or wanted them to send something down.  My reply was that unless they could send a hug from my mom through the mail, I really didn’t need anything.   Fast forward to a few days later when Gerson brings me a few letters that had come for me.  One of them was from my mom and this is what I saw when I opened it up:

 

With tears in my eyes, I looked at the date on the front and saw that it was mailed a few days before I had replied to my friends that all I wanted was a hug from my mom.  Yes, God in His goodness did indeed send a hug from my mom through the mail and that day it felt as though my heart would burst as I was once again reminded of His overwhelming love for me in the littlest of things. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts.” God so often pours out His blessings on me in the smallest details and everyday occurrences and I fail to thank Him or even recognize them at times.  So, I’m learning to look for Him in the little things and praising Him for all things. 

 

I will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;

let the humble hear and be glad.
 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

 

I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.
 Those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.

 

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
    and saved him out of all his troubles.

 The angel of the Lord encamps     

around those who fear him, and delivers them.

 

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
 Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,

for those who fear him have no lack!

-Psalm 34:1-9

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Definition of Difficult

When I wrote my last blog post, I thought life here at the home was difficult trying to care for the three boys I was responsible for.  Less than two weeks after sharing that post, my world was about to be rocked and “difficult” would take on a whole new meaning.  One month ago today, we received three brothers, Diogo, Kaua, and Maycon (ages 10, 5, and 4).  We knew there was a possibility they would come and I even mentioned it the last time I wrote, but what I never imagined is just how challenging these new boys would prove to be.  Kaua and Mayon are literally unlike any children I have ever met before (and I have worked with a lot of kids!).  These boys are extremely aggressive, sexually aware, fond of swear words, outright defiant, and have some serious destructive tendencies.  Within the past month, I have had to learn more Portuguese swear words than I would like to know, have had more than one chair thrown at me (and broken in the process), have had to break up too many fights to count, have been kicked, scratched, and hit numerous times (and still have the battle scars to prove it), and I have been peed and spit on more times than I care to admit in my struggles with these new boys.  And it has been difficult.  And after these boys came, I was once again ready to pack up my bags and leave thinking that this is pretty much impossible.  I just can’t handle these 6 boys on my own.  And that’s when He gently reminds me, I am not alone.  And I find myself clinging to the truth found in Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Last month, not too long after these new boys arrived and on a day when I found myself completely overwhelmed, I read two different passages that I know was not by coincidence.  The Lord used them to both convict and challenge me.  The first was from the Dialogues of Fénelon, “Happy are they who are ready to accept everything; who never say, “It is too much”; who depend, not on themselves, but upon the Almighty.”  I must admit, after these new boys came, I found myself somewhat frustrated at the expectations that were placed on me to now have these 6 kids under my care and kids with extreme issues at that.  But I realized that this frustration came because I was relying on myself and trying to do it on my own strength, and was utterly failing.  That same day, I was also reading in 2 Corinthians and came across these verses that resonated so deeply within me.  In the first chapter, Paul is talking about the hardships they faced in Asia and says, “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.”  Yes, life with these new boys was (and still is) difficult.  Most of the time, the challenges are so great that I feel beyond my ability to endure, but I know that God is using this time of trial so that I will learn to rely not on myself but on the only One who is able to see me through.  Once again, He causes me to come to the end of myself and recognize that apart from Him, I really can’t do it on my own.  I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I have set my hope on Him and trust in His faithfulness. 

 

 God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us– He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come.

–Oswald Chambers

Back Where I Belong :)

Well after 13 months, one knee surgery, and countless problems obtaining my visa, I have finally arrived back in Brasil J  The past two and a half weeks at Nepo have been full of numerous changes and just as many ups and downs.  During my first two days here, several meetings took place with the Board of Directors which resulted in the director and his wife, another couple, and another worker being let go.  Gerson and Marcela are now the acting directors and the rest of our team consists of myself, Mirtes and João (a couple who has worked here for over 30 years), and Valdeci (the farmer who lives here during the week with his two boys).  Not only has our staff gone from 12 down to 6, but the number of boys who are here has also greatly decreased.  Last year when I arrived, there were 37 boys living here.  This year there are 8.  Although there are very few boys, the daily work is still very demanding.  With so many changes in the staff, we had to figure out a whole new schedule and set of responsibilities for each of us.  We also had to make many changes to the living situations.  When I arrived, I was living with Gerson and Marcela again in their guest room.  However, by the second week, I had moved into the guest house with the three youngest boys (who are all brothers).  We broke down part of the wall in-between Gerson’s and Marcela’s house and the guest house and installed a door which now makes it “one” big house.  The older boys who were living in the guest house side have now moved back into the dormitory and I will stay with the three youngest on the one side of the house. 

My primary responsibility is to care for the three youngest, Allison , age 5, Alifer, age 7, and Reginaldo, age 9.  It has been challenging to say the least.  They have many behavioral issues, specifically Allison who is used to throwing temper tantrums and getting whatever he wants.  My day begins with them at 5:30 when we wake up to get ready for school and things don’t really calm down until they go to bed around 9:30.  Life the past few weeks has been difficult for both them and me as we adjust to all of the changes and are trying to settle into a routine. 

Yesterday morning, I wrote the following as part of an email to my intercessors (a support group of close family and friends who daily lift me up in prayer):

The three boys know that when they come home from school, they change their clothes, eat snack, play, and then take showers before dinner.  Well yesterday, Alifer and Allison were absolutely defiant at every step of the routine.  Alifer wouldn't change his clothes, Allison screamed his head off for 10 minutes in the shower because he didn't want to take a shower (this was after he had purposely peeded in the shower instead of the toilet before getting in), Alifer wouldn't put his clothes away after his shower, Allison screamed because he didn't want to go to bed, etc. etc.  And I found myself crying in the bathroom as Allison is screaming because I don't know enough Portuguese to correct him in a way I would like to, to train him, and even if I did, it wouldn't matter because when you try to talk to him and discipline him, he tries to hit you or kick you or run away.  And so as I stand there crying, I am thinking....”I can't do this, I want to go home, two years is such a long time, it's too overwhelming, I just can't do this.”  And this I know, I can't do this, but He can....for apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5).  I also know that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9) and I am trying to cling to these truths.  But I am weary and discouraged and on top of it all, yesterday Gerson told me that the judge will be making a decision on the 7 sibling group soon, but that most likely we will end up with more children (girls, boys, and/or a baby) sometime this week.  And I think, “God, how will this happen, we are barely staying afloat now, how could we possibly do it with more kids?”.....and again, I know to fear not, for when we pass through the waters, He will be with us and when we pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over us (Isaiah 43:2).  So please, pray for me, pray for us.  I know that there is a battle waging...the devil wants nothing more than to discourage me and make me question my calling.  He wants to fill me with these doubts, but I know that in Christ is the victory.  So please pray that I will stand firm and let nothing move me, giving myself fully to this work of the Lord because I know that my labor is not in vain (1 Corinthians 15:57-58).   

 I wrote that just yesterday morning, but thankfully the Lord’s mercies are new every day and thankfully within the past 36 hours, the Lord has been answering the prayers that are being offered on my behalf and is working in my spirit.  The circumstances have not changed, the work is still hard, the boys are still disobedient, but the Lord has changed my heart, my attitude, and my spirit.  And I praise God for this.  I know there are many hard days ahead, but I know that the Lord will continue to give me grace for the moment and He will see me through that which He has called me to.  I also know that “we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 16-18)  I am learning to fix my eyes on Him and trusting that He will continue to fill me with His love to pour out on these boys that so desperately need it. 

Tonight, I want to leave you with the following quotes from Fénelon taken from the Lamplighter’s Classics book, Dialogues of Fénelon.  They have been very convicting and a good reminder for me during these challenging days:

“Never forget how God has dealt and does deal with you continually, how gently and patiently.  Let that be your example; learn from Him how to deal with others.”

“The other duty which you owe to yourself is not to be discouraged, either by experience of your weakness, or by disgust at the agitated life which you lead.  The only point is to be faithful, patient, and peaceful under the crosses of your present condition, which you have not chosen, and which God has appointed according to His purposes.”

And finally, my daily motto:

“My work is not to be well served, but to serve Thee well, to be gentle and patient under all that disturbs me.”

My heart’s desire is to serve the Lord well and I daily pray for gentleness and patience in dealing with my three boys whom I have the privilege of caring for.  Please join with me in prayer.